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Post by QuickSilver on Apr 9, 2020 11:21:31 GMT -5
As Patrick's next of kin (since he was divorced from his girl's mother) were you not kept informed by the hospital? I'm surprised that you couldn't call and demand information.. and had to rely on her for a piece-meal report. How frustrating... Yes, should have been. But ex dil (lies like Trump) said she told hospital she was ex. Son put her as first contact so his daughters would know what was happening. Hospital had her down as wife.
I asked them to call me and they never did. I assumed it was because of the charges for overseas calls. Nope. She let them think she was the wife and next of kin.
I have relatives who are helping over there. When ex dil (had to get the info from her) called and told me he had died she said autopsy was standard for covid (no!). Told sis in law and she phoned hospital. She told them she was his ex wife and not his next of kin. So the hospital put a halt to it.
Medical examiner called ex dil to find out what was up. She had apparently told hospital they were technically still married. But then she admitted to him they were divorced 3 years. He asked her to tell her next of kin to call him. She texted me the number - had no idea what it was about. He asked me did I want an autopsy done and I said NO. He set up a conference call as they need a witness. Then he asked me again did I want an autopsy. NO. Fine. That was settled.
I made the mistake of telling her no autopsy and she wanted to know why. She was upset. She said she wanted to know why his heart gave out. And that they told her it was standard. I said it wasn't and that she had asked for autopsy claiming to be his wife. Anyway back and forth back and forth. She claimed she told them she was ex and that she did not order an autopsy. Liar.
I shouldn't have said a thing. She is the key to access to my granddaughters. Have to be nice to this evil b*tch.
From what I understand, unless the cause of death is "suspicious" or completely unknown an autopsy is not mandatory. In this case, there was nothing suspicious or unknown. When my 2nd husband had a cardiac arrest at home and died an hour later in ER, I refused an autopsy.. What difference would one have made? What could have been learned? Nothing. You made the absolutely correct decision IMO.. I would have refused one also.
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Post by highlandannie on Apr 9, 2020 13:39:58 GMT -5
Yes, should have been. But ex dil (lies like Trump) said she told hospital she was ex. Son put her as first contact so his daughters would know what was happening. Hospital had her down as wife.
I asked them to call me and they never did. I assumed it was because of the charges for overseas calls. Nope. She let them think she was the wife and next of kin.
I have relatives who are helping over there. When ex dil (had to get the info from her) called and told me he had died she said autopsy was standard for covid (no!). Told sis in law and she phoned hospital. She told them she was his ex wife and not his next of kin. So the hospital put a halt to it.
Medical examiner called ex dil to find out what was up. She had apparently told hospital they were technically still married. But then she admitted to him they were divorced 3 years. He asked her to tell her next of kin to call him. She texted me the number - had no idea what it was about. He asked me did I want an autopsy done and I said NO. He set up a conference call as they need a witness. Then he asked me again did I want an autopsy. NO. Fine. That was settled.
I made the mistake of telling her no autopsy and she wanted to know why. She was upset. She said she wanted to know why his heart gave out. And that they told her it was standard. I said it wasn't and that she had asked for autopsy claiming to be his wife. Anyway back and forth back and forth. She claimed she told them she was ex and that she did not order an autopsy. Liar.
I shouldn't have said a thing. She is the key to access to my granddaughters. Have to be nice to this evil b*tch.
From what I understand, unless the cause of death is "suspicious" or completely unknown an autopsy is not mandatory. In this case, there was nothing suspicious or unknown. When my 2nd husband had a cardiac arrest at home and died an hour later in ER, I refused an autopsy.. What difference would one have made? What could have been learned? Nothing. You made the absolutely correct decision IMO.. I would have refused one also. Can you imagine autopsy mandatory in Covid deaths? Hell no. She lied and said I was being awful to her and why. Says she never lied. FFS. I have to deal with her until the girls are 18?
Anyway, besides being no point in an autopsy, I did not want my son's body butchered! I think I did convince that a big percentage of covid deaths are cardiac arrest. She's so stupid.
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Post by highlandannie on Apr 9, 2020 13:49:34 GMT -5
Lots of complicated stuff to figure out (I've never had to do this). But at least arrangements have been made.
Sis in law tried to help but had contacted the wrong funeral homes/crematoriums. I called one from here and they made everything so easy. Everything done (had to get permission for cremations from his father whom I haven't seen for over 40 years.) Finally done. Marble box chosen, engraving chosen, pendants with some of his ashes ordered for the daughters and the girlfriend.
His urn will be buried in between my parents graves. Very comforting to me.
Since no service can be done and I can't even fly over which would be pointless as we can't get together anyway, the service/memorial/burial will be done when the world is not in this chaos. 5 or 6 or 7 months from now.
Keeping in close touch with 14 year old granddaughter via FB messenger.
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Post by QuickSilver on Apr 9, 2020 14:50:48 GMT -5
Lots of complicated stuff to figure out (I've never had to do this). But at least arrangements have been made.
Sis in law tried to help but had contacted the wrong funeral homes/crematoriums. I called one from here and they made everything so easy. Everything done (had to get permission for cremations from his father whom I haven't seen for over 40 years.) Finally done. Marble box chosen, engraving chosen, pendants with some of his ashes ordered for the daughters and the girlfriend.
His urn will be buried in between my parents graves. Very comforting to me.
Since no service can be done and I can't even fly over which would be pointless as we can't get together anyway, the service/memorial/burial will be done when the world is not in this chaos. 5 or 6 or 7 months from now.
Keeping in close touch with 14 year old granddaughter via FB messenger.
There is nothing more horrible and painful for a mother than to have to bury her own child.... NOTHING... and I mean that.. I hold you in my heart Annie.... That said, you did a phenomenal job doing what had to be done.. and doing it the way YOU and likely Patrick wanted.. You should be commended for staying strong enough to handle what needed to be done for your son. I would like to think that if I should have to face that task I will be able to handle it as well and as strongly as you did.. I know you don't feel strong now... but you are..
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Post by highlandannie on Apr 10, 2020 4:20:53 GMT -5
Lots of complicated stuff to figure out (I've never had to do this). But at least arrangements have been made.
Sis in law tried to help but had contacted the wrong funeral homes/crematoriums. I called one from here and they made everything so easy. Everything done (had to get permission for cremations from his father whom I haven't seen for over 40 years.) Finally done. Marble box chosen, engraving chosen, pendants with some of his ashes ordered for the daughters and the girlfriend.
His urn will be buried in between my parents graves. Very comforting to me.
Since no service can be done and I can't even fly over which would be pointless as we can't get together anyway, the service/memorial/burial will be done when the world is not in this chaos. 5 or 6 or 7 months from now.
Keeping in close touch with 14 year old granddaughter via FB messenger.
There is nothing more horrible and painful for a mother than to have to bury her own child.... NOTHING... and I mean that.. I hold you in my heart Annie.... That said, you did a phenomenal job doing what had to be done.. and doing it the way YOU and likely Patrick wanted.. You should be commended for staying strong enough to handle what needed to be done for your son. I would like to think that if I should have to face that task I will be able to handle it as well and as strongly as you did.. I know you don't feel strong now... but you are.. Doing the phone calls and things that my family can't do for me is distracting and puts me into something like a secretary mode or something. The stress of trying to figure out the complicated stuff is better than thinking about grief.
I've gotten such an outpouring and love and sympathy from so many. It is comforting. I have a friend here who lost her daughter at the age of 9 nearly 8 years ago. She's good to talk to. She's trying to find a bereavement group for me. I would like to find one specific to Covid 19 and the parents who lost a child to it.
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Post by QuickSilver on May 19, 2020 9:03:12 GMT -5
Looked for a thread to post this, and this one seemed the most fitting... I'm trying to control my feelings of dread and apprehension this morning.. Even broke out the cook book and made a nice Pecan streusel Coffee Cake.. so here's what's going on.
My youngest son works for the Gas Company as an emergency call technician.. so he is an essential worker. Yesterday he got word that he is going to have to do an in house gas turn on at the home of an active covid-19 patient.. Of course he is upset about it.. He is lucky that the gas company as a plan for these Level 4 risk calls. His supervisor will meet him outside the house and help him gear up with a suit, booties, valved goggles. N95 mask and gloves. and then wait for him to finish the service call to help him remove the PPE properly without contamination. It should be ok.. but still scary..
My older son has been having blood pressure issues.. Last week he was seen at the VA hospital for elevated blood pressure and released that day on new medication.. My son is now 50 and has been an active alcoholic since his late 20's.. He has been in Detox many times and has always relapsed. Yesterday after a weekend of drinking he went to work and began feeling very Ill.. He again went to the VA to find that his Blood Pressure was 199/129 and would likely cause a major stroke if this continues.. So this time he has been admitted for a medically supervised Detox. They did give him a covid test prior to admitting him which was negative. Who knows if he'll get it in the VA hospital.. I have little faith. So for the next 4 days I won't know what is going on unless something horrible happens and then I guess they will call me. The fact remains, if he doesn't stop drinking and his blood pressure keeps being affected by the alcohol, he is going to die.. He knows that and he is very afraid, but now with his 5th time in detox will it stop? He has gone to AA and counseling and after 30 years of trying, nothing seems to have worked.. I am resigned... what else can I do.. I cannot help him.
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Post by nkat on May 19, 2020 12:13:48 GMT -5
QS does your 50 year old son have and keep a job? There is nothing that you can do other than being there for him. Sounds like your other son is going to be well protected. We could all use one of those suits!
Hugs Nkat
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Post by QuickSilver on May 19, 2020 13:12:31 GMT -5
QS does your 50 year old son have and keep a job? There is nothing that you can do other than being there for him. Sounds like your other son is going to be well protected. We could all use one of those suits! Hugs Nkat Yes.. He has been a maintenance worker for the post office for over 5 years now. What is so sad to me is that he has a Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology.
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Post by formerlyme on May 19, 2020 13:51:32 GMT -5
QuickSilver, it is painful to see the life of someone you love be destroyed by alcohol. I feel for you!
My father became an alcoholic before I was born. He denied his condition, never sought help, and it got worse as the years went by. It brought misery to many others besides himself. He had a stroke in his late forties, then passed away at age 52 from a heart attack. By then, he had alienated so many that he wasn't mourned by any of his four children.
You cannot control your son or his addiction, so it is up to him now. A very hard truth! I truly hope he can become and remain permanently sober, so he'll have peace of mind and better health in the years to come.
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Post by cassandra on May 19, 2020 14:09:08 GMT -5
QuickSilver, have you considered joining Al-Anon? You would be in the company of others who share this problem. My heart goes out to you. It is horrifying to think of your situation, knowing you have no control whatsoever. You both deserve so much better, I know.
Your younger son should be fine.
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Post by helen on May 19, 2020 15:52:36 GMT -5
QS, I'm so sorry you and your family are having to endure such trying circumstances. Be strong. Stay safe.
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Post by highlandannie on May 20, 2020 0:41:36 GMT -5
QS, just noticed this. I'm so sorry about your son. xx
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Post by QuickSilver on May 20, 2020 10:18:11 GMT -5
Thanks all for the kind words.. Just needed to vent a little is all...
The Covid call my younger son went on was a misunderstanding after all.. It was in a building OWNED by the Covid positive patient.. He was not living there but renting it out.. The property manager met my son at the site.. He was never in any danger.. so that was a relief
The older one is likely being released today after only 2 days.. Blood pressure has stabilized... I've been dealing with this for 30 years.. A crisis... vows of never drinking again... Drinking but trying to hide the fact from me.... and then openly drinking and not denying it but lamenting about how he has a disease... rinse and repeat... over and over.. It's a painful thing to watch and I have no reason to believe this time is different no matter how much he swears it to be true... I've tried the Al Anon meetings in the past.. and hated it.. Too much for me.. too much crying and moaning.. It gets old.. Nothing changes..
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Post by cassandra on May 20, 2020 10:56:50 GMT -5
Anytime you feel like venting QuickSilver I'm ready to listen. Virtual hugs are still allowed, so a big one for you!
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2020 12:19:30 GMT -5
link@quicksilver ~ I know how you feel. You have discussed this in the past on this Forum. There is nothing at all you can do to make your son stop drinking unless he wants to stop drinking. A 30 day stint in an alcohol treatment facility would definitely help. In the past I have recommended Hazeldon/Betty Ford Institute to you. They also have a bookstore with wonderful books for the family of an alcoholic. Al-Anon and AA meetings are a lot of crying and bragging and I don't blame you for not going back. formerlyme ~ your Dad's story of alcoholism is almost a carbon copy of my story. None of my Dad's 5 children shed a tear when he died. NOBODY can stop an alcoholic from drinking but him/herself. It is a terrible addiction. www.hazeldenbettyford.org/
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