The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...