Post by 2old on Nov 7, 2023 14:45:47 GMT -5
From one of my followers on Twitter....
When we women have to visit the hell of a public bathroom we usually find an interminable line of women, so we smile and stand at the end of the line.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch.
It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you’re about to wet your pants. Or in my case my jeans, because I don’t wear underwear unless I’m trying on bathing suits.
The dispenser for the modern seat covers (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance."
In this position your aging toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it so you assume the stance.
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser as in your mind
you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more and then you suddenly remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse – the purse around your neck that you now have to hold up while trying not to strangle yourself at the same time. That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes the stall door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT and of course it’s wet.
You bolt up, knowing all too well it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of disease you could pick up.”
By this time the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and sprays a fine mist of water that baptizes your butt, runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely at them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her, "Here, you just might need this.”
As you exit, you spot your husband, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
My wife and her girlfriends get together every Monday morning for coffee at a local restaurant. Yesterday, one of the ladies was in a very bad mood. When asked what was wrong, she related some rather serious medical issues that are plaguing her. "And, on top of that, I just went in to use the restroom and it's out of toilet paper!" Wife said it was perfect timing and read the above that I had sent her the evening before. Said all the ladies laughed so hard they about fell out of their chairs. The lady who was having a bad day laughed the hardest and told my wife she was an angel, turning tears into laughter!!
Another quick one...
One of our local police officers was fired over the weekend. While going through training, no one noticed he was severely dyslexic. Went out and began running IUD checks!!
When we women have to visit the hell of a public bathroom we usually find an interminable line of women, so we smile and stand at the end of the line.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch.
It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you’re about to wet your pants. Or in my case my jeans, because I don’t wear underwear unless I’m trying on bathing suits.
The dispenser for the modern seat covers (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance."
In this position your aging toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it so you assume the stance.
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser as in your mind
you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more and then you suddenly remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse – the purse around your neck that you now have to hold up while trying not to strangle yourself at the same time. That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes the stall door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT and of course it’s wet.
You bolt up, knowing all too well it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of disease you could pick up.”
By this time the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and sprays a fine mist of water that baptizes your butt, runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely at them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her, "Here, you just might need this.”
As you exit, you spot your husband, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
My wife and her girlfriends get together every Monday morning for coffee at a local restaurant. Yesterday, one of the ladies was in a very bad mood. When asked what was wrong, she related some rather serious medical issues that are plaguing her. "And, on top of that, I just went in to use the restroom and it's out of toilet paper!" Wife said it was perfect timing and read the above that I had sent her the evening before. Said all the ladies laughed so hard they about fell out of their chairs. The lady who was having a bad day laughed the hardest and told my wife she was an angel, turning tears into laughter!!
Another quick one...
One of our local police officers was fired over the weekend. While going through training, no one noticed he was severely dyslexic. Went out and began running IUD checks!!