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Post by Bob on Mar 18, 2021 6:58:28 GMT -5
As I begin my day, I and others in our little community are coming to grips with the sudden loss of one of our neighbors a few days ago. An avid hiker who had scaled mountains on four continents, this father of three drove up to the White Mountains of NH this past Sunday, hoping to surprise one of his sons on a hike. Apparently, our neighbor decided to go up the mountain alone. The weather changed quickly on Sunday, as it often can in the mountains, producing winds up to 85 mph, bitter cold windchill temps and blinding snow. He never returned home by dinner time on Sunday, so his wife called the state police in NH and a search began. The lack of daylight, strong winds and snow squalls led them to call off the search. When it resumed on Monday, they put up a helicopter to aid in the search and that ultimately led to the discovery of my friend's body in a gorge washout area. Police can see that he was off the trail and was making his way down the mountain by following a brook, trying to get to lower elevation. At some point he must have fallen or perhaps slipped and didn't survive the fall.
This is a guy I worked closely with over the past two years. He headed up one of our neighborhood committees in charge of landscape and facilities. I pass by his house and see the strange cars in the driveway and think about his poor wife and kids. He was only 66, in good health and had recently retired. By all accounts, he was a loving husband and father, an avid outdoorsman with a big smile and outgoing personality.
Today will be difficult as the team he once led has a meeting planned for this afternoon. We'll miss his guidance and leadership. Later this morning my wife and I will head over to his house with some food and to offer our condolences. We always knew that moving to a small community (only two streets), with a fair share of older residents would carry with it the expectation of dealing with loss and mourning, but this is three deaths in the past year, all of them tragic and unexpected. It's tough. My wife struggles with how to interact with those who have experienced loss, still remembering how she felt years ago when her older sister passed. Her friends avoided her (she was a teenager at the time) as they never knew what to say. What can you say to a person who has lost their spouse of over 40 years? "Sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it. "Thoughts and Prayers" don't help. Yesterday as I wrote out yet another sympathy card, I tried to cut through all of that and get to the person that I and others knew, and I ended by saying that friends and neighbors would be ready to offer their support in the difficult days and weeks ahead. And I've already seen that in other instances here. Just before Christmas, one of our neighbors lost his wife in a medical emergency, and friends have stepped up to help in getting groceries or walking his dog since he's away all day at his business.
Last night my wife was caught up in the moment and pondering how she could ever go on if I was gone before her, and I really worry about that. A lot.
Anyway, the news this week is yet another reminder that life can change in the blink of an eye, often for the worse. And, you have to be prepared to deal with it.
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Post by highlandannie on Mar 18, 2021 9:21:47 GMT -5
As I begin my day, I and others in our little community are coming to grips with the sudden loss of one of our neighbors a few days ago. An avid hiker who had scaled mountains on four continents, this father of three drove up to the White Mountains of NH this past Sunday, hoping to surprise one of his sons on a hike. Apparently, our neighbor decided to go up the mountain alone. The weather changed quickly on Sunday, as it often can in the mountains, producing winds up to 85 mph, bitter cold windchill temps and blinding snow. He never returned home by dinner time on Sunday, so his wife called the state police in NH and a search began. The lack of daylight, strong winds and snow squalls led them to call off the search. When it resumed on Monday, they put up a helicopter to aid in the search and that ultimately led to the discovery of my friend's body in a gorge washout area. Police can see that he was off the trail and was making his way down the mountain by following a brook, trying to get to lower elevation. At some point he must have fallen or perhaps slipped and didn't survive the fall. This is a guy I worked closely with over the past two years. He headed up one of our neighborhood committees in charge of landscape and facilities. I pass by his house and see the strange cars in the driveway and think about his poor wife and kids. He was only 66, in good health and had recently retired. By all accounts, he was a loving husband and father, an avid outdoorsman with a big smile and outgoing personality. Today will be difficult as the team he once led has a meeting planned for this afternoon. We'll miss his guidance and leadership. Later this morning my wife and I will head over to his house with some food and to offer our condolences. We always knew that moving to a small community (only two streets), with a fair share of older residents would carry with it the expectation of dealing with loss and mourning, but this is three deaths in the past year, all of them tragic and unexpected. It's tough. My wife struggles with how to interact with those who have experienced loss, still remembering how she felt years ago when her older sister passed. Her friends avoided her (she was a teenager at the time) as they never knew what to say. What can you say to a person who has lost their spouse of over 40 years? "Sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it. "Thoughts and Prayers" don't help. Yesterday as I wrote out yet another sympathy card, I tried to cut through all of that and get to the person that I and others knew, and I ended by saying that friends and neighbors would be ready to offer their support in the difficult days and weeks ahead. And I've already seen that in other instances here. Just before Christmas, one of our neighbors lost his wife in a medical emergency, and friends have stepped up to help in getting groceries or walking his dog since he's away all day at his business. Last night my wife was caught up in the moment and pondering how she could ever go on if I was gone before her, and I really worry about that. A lot. Anyway, the news this week is yet another reminder that life can change in the blink of an eye, often for the worse. And, you have to be prepared to deal with it. What a tragic, sad loss, Bob I'm so very sorry. I'm not very good at knowing the right thing to say to those who had a loss. And like your wife I worry a lot about how I could possibly cope if my husband were to die first. I would be inconsolable. |
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Post by Kady on Mar 18, 2021 10:04:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry, Bob.....death is always hard, but especially hard when its unexpected, I too always worry about the right thing to say or do, but I think most are comforted by just knowing you are there for them, at least that's how I felt when my husband died unexpectedly, it just seems to be so little that one can do for such a great loss.
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Post by nkat on Mar 18, 2021 11:53:48 GMT -5
So sorry to hear this tragic news. I always think if we could go back and he would of taken someone with him-
I say the same, if I loose my dh before me, I could not go on. He says “Yes you will!” Okey!
Nkat
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Post by ruby on Mar 18, 2021 12:23:16 GMT -5
So sorry about the loss of your friend, @bob. It's always difficult to try to comfort those in mourning.
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Post by Bob on Mar 18, 2021 13:08:23 GMT -5
This morning I went out and bought a box of French pastries to bring over to the house. My wife and I walked over and met our friend's adult son, a lovely young man whom we'd met once before. He was so gracious. We offered to take their black lab for a walk and he was so grateful for this small gesture. We told him that we're happy to do it anytime, because we know there will be a myriad of details to sort through in the days ahead. Offered to run errands, get groceries, etc. Neighbors helping neighbors. I read you should not ask the person who lost someone what you can do, (puts the onus on them to come up with an idea), but instead offer to do something specific. Seems like good advice.
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Post by Bob on Mar 18, 2021 18:34:08 GMT -5
So sorry to hear this tragic news. I always think if we could go back and he would of taken someone with him- I say the same, if I loose my dh before me, I could not go on. He says “Yes you will!” Okey! Nkat When we moved here, one of my thoughts as I got to know my neighbors was that we were blessed to be in a community that has time and again demonstrated how much they care. Many are involved in charity work. People rally around those who have lost pets and loved ones. When I lost my dad a few months ago, I was overwhelmed by the cards I received. I've taken some small comfort in knowing that the men and women in this neighborhood would envelop my wife with love and support for the basics, but I fear she would have real trouble coping with the grief. It's weird to think about one's own demise and the impact it has on others. My wife has teared up more than once talking about our neighbor, and putting herself in his wife's shoes. Sadly, there are no easy answers here. My wife asked me to create a "household manual" and I did that a few months ago, but there's so many things I take care of around here, or just intuitively know how to sort out. She's not wired that way. How does one prepare his/her spouse for the eventuality of possibly not being there for them? I have no answer. |
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Post by highlandannie on Mar 19, 2021 1:16:51 GMT -5
So sorry to hear this tragic news. I always think if we could go back and he would of taken someone with him- I say the same, if I loose my dh before me, I could not go on. He says “Yes you will!” Okey! Nkat When we moved here, one of my thoughts as I got to know my neighbors was that we were blessed to be in a community that has time and again demonstrated how much they care. Many are involved in charity work. People rally around those who have lost pets and loved ones. When I lost my dad a few months ago, I was overwhelmed by the cards I received. I've taken some small comfort in knowing that the men and women in this neighborhood would envelop my wife with love and support for the basics, but I fear she would have real trouble coping with the grief. It's weird to think about one's own demise and the impact it has on others. My wife has teared up more than once talking about our neighbor, and putting herself in his wife's shoes. Sadly, there are no easy answers here. My wife asked me to create a "household manual" and I did that a few months ago, but there's so many things I take care of around here, or just intuitively know how to sort out. She's not wired that way. How does one prepare his/her spouse for the eventuality of possibly not being there for them? I have no answer. I've told my husband I'd be a total disaster if he died first not only because of grief but because he handles everything and I wouldn't know what to do. He doesn't like to talk about the fact that one day he will die. I need to try another tactic. What if both of us died in a plane crash. His daughter would be stuck trying to figure everything out. There's a will but that's not enough. |
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Post by Bob on Mar 19, 2021 8:35:55 GMT -5
When we moved here, one of my thoughts as I got to know my neighbors was that we were blessed to be in a community that has time and again demonstrated how much they care. Many are involved in charity work. People rally around those who have lost pets and loved ones. When I lost my dad a few months ago, I was overwhelmed by the cards I received. I've taken some small comfort in knowing that the men and women in this neighborhood would envelop my wife with love and support for the basics, but I fear she would have real trouble coping with the grief. It's weird to think about one's own demise and the impact it has on others. My wife has teared up more than once talking about our neighbor, and putting herself in his wife's shoes. Sadly, there are no easy answers here. My wife asked me to create a "household manual" and I did that a few months ago, but there's so many things I take care of around here, or just intuitively know how to sort out. She's not wired that way. How does one prepare his/her spouse for the eventuality of possibly not being there for them? I have no answer. I've told my husband I'd be a total disaster if he died first not only because of grief but because he handles everything and I wouldn't know what to do. He doesn't like to talk about the fact that one day he will die. I need to try another tactic. What if both of us died in a plane crash. His daughter would be stuck trying to figure everything out. There's a will but that's not enough. I'm starting to give this more thought. For example, all of the billing from various sources comes via email to my email account. I'm going to set it up so that my wife is copied on those. I'll make sure she has the password to my computer and that someone I trust has this as well. I'll make sure that that she and one other trusted person has a way to see the myriad of user names and passwords I have stored in my documents. I have our estate planning documents well labeled and out on a book shelf. I've made a list of important contacts (contractors, lawyer, accountant, financial advisor, etc.). It's a start. |
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Post by Kady on Mar 19, 2021 10:41:21 GMT -5
I was single for seven years before I married my husband, so I was used to taking care of everything myself but still there were unfamiliar things of his that I had to finalize and all that took a good year, it was good in a way that it kept me busy and occupied.
I like the idea of a house manual, I've tried to write down some instructions on how to do different things around here, but I know its not near enough. I've also told my children that they need to sit down with me and go over things they need to know but they don't seem to have the time, so I'm writing lots of notes at my desk. I will turn the big 8 0 in June and so yes, its time for me to think about my demise.
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Post by highlandannie on Mar 19, 2021 13:00:40 GMT -5
I've told my husband I'd be a total disaster if he died first not only because of grief but because he handles everything and I wouldn't know what to do. He doesn't like to talk about the fact that one day he will die. I need to try another tactic. What if both of us died in a plane crash. His daughter would be stuck trying to figure everything out. There's a will but that's not enough. I'm starting to give this more thought. For example, all of the billing from various sources comes via email to my email account. I'm going to set it up so that my wife is copied on those. I'll make sure she has the password to my computer and that someone I trust has this as well. I'll make sure that that she and one other trusted person has a way to see the myriad of user names and passwords I have stored in my documents. I have our estate planning documents well labeled and out on a book shelf. I've made a list of important contacts (contractors, lawyer, accountant, financial advisor, etc.). It's a start. Sounds like you've made a very good start. My brother and his wife have everything on one place to make everything easy for the kids and executor. |
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Post by highlandannie on Mar 19, 2021 13:05:51 GMT -5
I was single for seven years before I married my husband, so I was used to taking care of everything myself but still there were unfamiliar things of his that I had to finalize and all that took a good year, it was good in a way that it kept me busy and occupied. I like the idea of a house manual, I've tried to write down some instructions on how to do different things around here, but I know its not near enough. I've also told my children that they need to sit down with me and go over things they need to know but they don't seem to have the time, so I'm writing lots of notes at my desk. I will turn the big 8 0 in June and so yes, its time for me to think about my demise. I did a house manual when our friends rented our house for 2 years while we were in Uganda. My husband has always done the finances and it's all done online. I have a password to the bank account but not quite sure how everything works. He does insurances etc but I guess I could figure that out. And things are done differently here than when I was on my own in the US. Council tax, tv licence, MOT for the car, etc. |
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Post by nkat on Mar 19, 2021 13:24:54 GMT -5
I guess that I am lucky in a way since I prepare all to take to our tax accountant. I pay all the bills. I have the iPad and the printer. I make all the phone calls to make appointments. My dh is a builder and carpenter, and he can fix it all. Having to have someone do repairs is what I will really miss but no worry since I am going first. Grin
Nkat
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Post by highlandannie on Mar 20, 2021 1:57:26 GMT -5
I guess that I am lucky in a way since I prepare all to take to our tax accountant. I pay all the bills. I have the iPad and the printer. I make all the phone calls to make appointments. My dh is a builder and carpenter, and he can fix it all. Having to have someone do repairs is what I will really miss but no worry since I am going first. Grin Nkat My husband can fix anything and can do anything electric, plumbing, maintenance, leaky roof, etc etc. I'd have to just pay someone if he was gone. Taxes are done differently here. He had to file before he retired but not since - it's just automatically deducted from his pensions. I never had to file at all because my income here wasn't high enough. Bills are all automatic - direct debit, even the credit cards. Husband takes care of our half acre garden (yard) with a zillion bushes, plants, trees etc. I'd be hopeless. My sister asked me a few years ago if I would move back to the US if he died and was shocked that I said no. This is my home. Why would I want to suffer even more by leaving my home??? She just can't imagine why anyone would want to live anywhere except the US. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2021 2:41:08 GMT -5
So sorry to hear this tragic news. I always think if we could go back and he would of taken someone with him- I say the same, if I loose my dh before me, I could not go on. He says “Yes you will!” Okey! Nkat When we moved here, one of my thoughts as I got to know my neighbors was that we were blessed to be in a community that has time and again demonstrated how much they care. Many are involved in charity work. People rally around those who have lost pets and loved ones. When I lost my dad a few months ago, I was overwhelmed by the cards I received. I've taken some small comfort in knowing that the men and women in this neighborhood would envelop my wife with love and support for the basics, but I fear she would have real trouble coping with the grief. It's weird to think about one's own demise and the impact it has on others. My wife has teared up more than once talking about our neighbor, and putting herself in his wife's shoes. Sadly, there are no easy answers here. My wife asked me to create a "household manual" and I did that a few months ago, but there's so many things I take care of around here, or just intuitively know how to sort out. She's not wired that way. How does one prepare his/her spouse for the eventuality of possibly not being there for them? I have no answer. Sad to hear about your friend @bob what a shock for all family and Friends I like the idea of your wife’s household manual I will mention that to my Husband it would save the confusion of where things are stored etc. In January ( 2 months ago ) my husband slipped and fell in the shed due to having wet shoes on and the shed floor having a smooth surface , he broke his hip and had to flown to the city Adelaide (South Aust) from where we live 2 hours drive away. Like you hubby takes care of many things around the house ,we never have anyone come here to repair anything as he fixes anything that needs attention and everything is neatly done . There I was left all alone with him telling me on the phone ..look here and you’ll find keys that open his huge toolbox ( he was a diesel mechanic and he still has special tools he bought with his very first paycheque ) in there you will find keys that lock other cupboards and stuff inside we lock when we go away what a nightmare sorting things out. We get heaps of tourists here and some of the come up here just to break into homes because they know / aware it’s a very much holiday home area so many homes are only occupied holiday times / long weekends / Christmas etc On top of that we had bought a brand new car 12 months ago ,I’d never driven more than a few kms to get the feel of it, let alone know where all the switches were ....and drive it down to and around the city which is about 170 km each way, on highway number 1 with lots of trucks travelling at 100 km hour. What a nightmare for me to be left alone even tho it was only a few days ( he was in hospital Less than 2 days after a complete hip replacement ) However if it had been something more serious I’d be totally lost what to do where to find stuff we take for granted |
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