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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2019 16:17:02 GMT -5
~ How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. ~ How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. ~How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. ~What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! ~ What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids ~What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. ~ What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. ~ What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.. ~What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.. ~ What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. ~Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. ~ Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. ~ What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. ~ Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. ~ How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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Post by rebecca2013 on Sept 16, 2019 20:22:13 GMT -5
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Post by formerlyme on Sept 18, 2019 14:20:05 GMT -5
Those are great, @rubyk!
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Post by SirFurryanimalWales on Dec 22, 2019 1:38:22 GMT -5
One of the best things about Christmas is the office Christmas party. It’s a great opportunity to finally meet face-to-face the people who you’ve been emailing from a few feet away all year.
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Post by SirFurryanimalWales on Dec 26, 2019 15:03:00 GMT -5
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
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Post by SirFurryanimalWales on Dec 29, 2019 0:55:22 GMT -5
Hell Freezes Over-this is a supposedly genuine answer in a University of Washington exam.. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell Breaks Loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell Freezes Over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Tasha during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Tasha kept shouting "Oh, my God!" The student received the only "A" in the class. Attachments:
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2020 1:31:17 GMT -5
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2020 1:33:36 GMT -5
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill.'
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Post by SirFurryanimalWales on Feb 16, 2020 2:04:11 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2020 22:17:03 GMT -5
Sheriff: So, your report states that you arrested a cleaning woman for shooting a man who walked on her freshly mopped floor. Is that correct? Deputy: Yes, Sir, that is correct. Sheriff: The report also states that it took you 20 minutes before you arrested her. Is that correct? Deputy: Yes, Sir, that is correct. Sheriff: Well, just one question. Why did it take you 20 minutes to arrest her? Deputy: Because the floor was still wet.
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Post by SirFurryanimalWales on Mar 9, 2020 6:40:36 GMT -5
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the effing potatoes!"
(cleaned up a bit!)
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Post by 2old on Mar 16, 2020 14:53:20 GMT -5
What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Okay. Guess I don't know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain.
SO! YOU'RE THE ONE!!!
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Post by SirFurryanimalWales on Mar 22, 2020 5:45:11 GMT -5
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blonde wife in Newcastle were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.” So the good blonde wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through”. The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?” Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.” Source: www.mr-funny.com
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Post by SirFurryanimalWales on Mar 26, 2020 2:00:53 GMT -5
Chap walks into a pub. Orders a pint of bitter and a bag of crisps. Sups the pint, doesn’t open the bag of crisps but puts it on his head and walks out. Next night, same thing: pint, crisps, drinks the beer, bag on head, walks out. This goes on for a week or two.
Then one night the barman tells him they’d no crisps, so the chap says he’ll have peanuts instead then. Drinks the pint, bag on the head, walks out. He passes a bloke in the street, who taps him on the shoulder and says, “‘Scuse me mate, none of my business, but I’ve got ask, would you kindly tell me why you’ve got a bag of peanuts on your head?” “Just been in the Rose and Crown,” he says, “They’ve run out of crisps”.
Okay then, here’s another:
I met my wife on a speed-dating evening. I was a bit surprised because I thought she was at home looking after the kids.
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Post by SirFurryanimalWales on Mar 27, 2020 2:15:39 GMT -5
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were good friends. Larry was a nice, law abiding, charitable crustacean. Sam was on most days a dirt bag bivalve. Well, Sam gets his and winds up way downstairs. A few years later Larry passes on and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Because he was such a good guy, not only is he given the standard equipment - wings, halo, harp -, he's granted one wish. He decides he'd like most of all to see his old friend, Sam, again. Hey presto, he's in hell where he meets Sam who is running a disco. They spend the day together, then Larry goes back to heaven. When he arrives at the Gates, St Pete asks him, "Larry, haven't you forgotten something?" Larry answers, "Oh goodness, I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco."
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